Attack of the Clones – R.A. Salvatore

Rating: 1 star

This is probably one of the worst books I’ve read. It’s certainly the worst book I’ve read of the last few years (edit: until Campusland). When I complained about stuff in the past, I think I should go back and apologize to each and every one of those books because they weren’t nearly this bad. I read this only because Andy asked me to, but oy vey. I get to complain, at least. I just checked Goodreads, and I feel awful that this book has 3.5 stars. What the hell? People were harder on Triburbia.

Okay, I went into this with low expectations because of the movie. I thought it would be mediocre, but that would be good enough because the movie was awful. I enjoyed it when I was little because children are idiots and have no tastes. Now, if the book had only been that bad, it would’ve been wonderful. But it wasn’t. I want to quote from a passage in the first chapter:

“‘No starship tonight, Mom?’ Owen asked good-naturedly. He knew why Shmi had come out here, why she came out here so very often in the quiet night.”

You may not think it’s that bad. It’s kinda cheesy, but whatever. First thing I want to point out is the “good-naturedly”, already stretched into an adverb. Now, for example, Stephen King says you should never use an adverb in a phrase like that. I think that’s a load of bull-hucky, but this passage makes me side with him. It’s a classical example of telling, not showing. The author is telling us what the intent of the words are and how the character is doing it instead of conveying it either in what he says or in the character’s action.

Second thing, why is he calling her mom? I call my mom mom only when I’m angry or showing some particular emotion. What is the emotion of this section? I’m telling you (not showing you) that it’s just a calm chat between Owen and his step-mom. You may think I’m being a dick by pointing that out, and, yes, it kinda is a dick move, but the wider context has them all going really far out of the way to show how they’re a loving family. It’s the first evidence that the author has no subtlety at all. There is no subtext because even the smallest detail that’s somehow relevant to the future is repeated about 4 or 5 times in the book. For example, the debate over whether the clone troopers are ethical happens that many times. Seriously.

Next complaint is the sentence is the second sentence is way too bulky. Here’s how I would state it just at a glance: “Shmi came out here, as every night, for the same reason.” Especially quiet night is redundant. A night is assumed to be quiet unless stated otherwise. Okay, yes, the twilight is usually active with insects and stuff. And this is sci-fi, but Star Wars doesn’t change the wheel. There is sci-fi that does, but this doesn’t.

I have a few other quotes, but they’re all along these lines. There are a lot of things like “‘You can eat this sandwich,’ Obi-Wan said to Anakin. Anakin could eat the sandwich.’” Obviously not a sandwich, but there are a bunch of things like this. It pains me to think that someone might read this trash when books like Both Ways Is the Only Way I Want It exists.

The last half of the book gets slightly better. It goes from awful to mediocre. However, it’s also where most of the action goes down. The majority of it isn’t really described well, and the action is mostly blurred over. A few things are described, but then it becomes “and a bunch of things happened in the background.” There is no thought given to precision, but that actually is easier to read than before.